A Conversation About Boggarts
by nony0mous
Summary: The incredibly insane Lupin, blinded by the nobility of Harry, suggests that Harry fears fear. Last time I checked, dementors mean madness, not fear. Pages 155 to 158 of Prisoner of Azkaban will never be the same.


**To Spring Sunrise on her birthday. Or maybe it was yesterday. Maybe it's tomorrow. I need to take my brain to a mechanic.**

**Diss Claimer!**

**Welcome back to Diss Claimer, where we auction off amazing disses!**

**Here is this week's diss:**

_**Voldemort: "Why do you live?"**_

_**Harry: "Because I have real nostrils!"**_

**The opening bid is $249!**

**Wait.**

**This is a _disclaimer_, and not a _diss claimer_?**

**Well in that case, I don't own, for a very strange reason, Harry Potter.**

**But I know how I can steal the rights to the story!**

**The opening bid for the plans to steal the rights are $251!**

**(Sorry, had to account for the inflation in the past 10 seconds!)**

Harry was having a talk with Professor Lupin.

Professor Lupin was having a talk with Harry.

All the while, Voldemort still had no nostrils.

Harry was explaining what he thought his boggart was.

_"I didn't think of Voldemort," said Harry honestly._

NO WAY! He wasn't scared of a thing that murdered his parents? And worse – Voldemort didn't even have nostrils! How scary is that?

_"I – I remembered those dementors."_

_ "I see," said Lupin thoughtfully._

_ "_I see," said the blind man.

_"Well, well... I'm impressed." He smiled slightly at the look of surprise on Harry's face. "That suggests that what you fear most of all is – fear."_

I'm not going to bother to let Lupin finish his paragraph. Hasn't he already harmed enough innocent children?

"Um... no," said Harry. "I don't fear fear itself. I fear having all my happiness and everything I've lived for and my soul being sucked out of my body by a half-dead, hooded, creepy, unforgiving... thing that doesn't care whether we live or die or fall off of a broomstick and end up losing one of the most important Quidditch matches in my life!"

"Harry," whispered Lupin, "we haven't gotten that far in the book yet!"

Let's skip a few lines...

_The door opened, and in came Snape. He was carrying a goblet, which was smoking faintly..._

Wait. I thought the Goblet of Fire wasn't until the next book?

_...and stopped at the sight of Harry, his black eyes narrowing._

Why did Snape have black eyes? Was he having a fight with his lawyer again?

"Harry," said Snape, "would you care to explain why you are in Lupin's office when the rest of your year is at Hogsmeade? Fifty points from Gryffindor, and next time, at least visit a professor that has enough money to actually buy a new set of clothes."

Harry started fuming.

"Yes, Snape, and make sure you stop stealing the money you use to buy your clothes."

Snape's face turned black, so now you couldn't tell that he had a black eye.

"That's _Professor_ Snape to you, and five _hundred_ points from Gryffindor for insulting your teacher."

"But we only have 150 points!"

"Then we'll have to go into the negatives. That should teach you not to abuse the house-elves."

"What the-? Who did you turn into, Hermione?"

"Five _thousand_ points. Never insult your professor's fiance..."

"You-"

"Oh, just _shut up_ already, Harry. You've gotten yourself into quite some trouble already. And Snape? I prefer my Coca-Cola _not_ steaming. Have you been attempting to poison me?"

Snape backed out of the room.

_"Some people reckon -" Harry hesitated, then plunged recklessly on, "some people reckon he'd do anything to get the Defense Against the Dark Arts job."_

Snape arrived with the Coke.

"Your Coke, your majesty," he muttered.

_Lupin drained the goblet and made a face._

Are we sure that he's not in Las Vegas? The goblet could be full of beer and the face could be his poker face.

_"Disgusting," he said._

I guess Snape really _did_ poison the Coke. Ah well.

_"Well, Harry, I'd better get back to work."_

What work? He couldn't have been working too hard if he saw Harry walking by his office earlier.

_It was dusk, and Ron and Hermione had just turned up in the common room, pink-faced from the cold wind and looking as though they'd had the time of their lives._

_ "Lupin made me a cup of tea in his office."_

_ Really_, Harry? That was the highlight of your day? You really do have no life.

_"_Lupin drank it?_" he gasped. "Is he mad?"_

_ Actually_, Ron, he drank the Coke. But anyway, to answer your question, why yes, of course he's mad.

But not as mad as Mad-Eye Moody. But at least Mad-Eye isn't a werewolf.

**I'm not going to beg you to review.**

**However, I would suggest reviewing, because seriously, why shouldn't you review such a great story?**

**But if you choose not to review this, I'm fine. Just review one of my other stories instead.**

**Just 'cause.**

**(Just 'cause I would unleash a werewolf on you if you didn't.)**


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